I don't even remember signing up for this blog. Apparently I've been a member here since 2010! Over the summer of 2015 I felt like the Lord was telling me to QUIT trying to make something happen financially for my family. This is such an absurd idea to me. QUIT? My whole life I've lived the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" belief. It has been ingrained in me. If things aren't going your way, you don't have enough money, or your struggling then you need to try harder or at least try something else. There's always a way to make something happen. But let me tell you, I have truly tried to make something happen for at least 5 years. And it just isn't happening. I had a teaching career for about 10 years. I always say I would be a better camp counselor than a teacher. Teaching is not my passion. I'm an average teacher and as an introvert it made me exhausted. Then I spent 2 years as an instructional coach and it was a job I really enjoyed. Mostly it was because I could pretty much work behind the scenes in my office. I could make lesson plans and research ideas for teachers. We had our second baby during this time and it was to much for me to work and take care of our boys. Not to mention I basically was working long hours to make about $500 after childcare and taxes. So as a stay at home mom I began searching for a career to do from home. I have tried to work for my dad by building his business through his website. It was a little extra income, but it didn't work out because my dad likes to be in control of everything. That's what makes him good at his job. Now he does all the website work for his business. So that didn't work out for me...Then I tried a direct marketing work from home job that I barely broke even from. It was a weightloss shake that tasted amazing! But for this quiet introvert it just didn't take off. I look back and think...shoulda, coulda, woulda...if I had done it better or different then I would be the success I was hoping for. Then my brother told me about his Etsy shop and how successful he was. He gave me an idea to get started and I got busy making things. I love to sew and craft and make things. I never actually made any money though because I spent all my earnings on creating new ideas. Apparently I'm bad at business. So I just closed that little shop down. I so desperately want to have something that is my own. That I create and design and develop into a successful business that helps others and changes the world. I am laughing at myself because my dreams are so huge and with my past failure rate it seems impossible.
So back to this summer I was having some introverted time to myself. My thoughts kept going back to how I knew for a long time I wanted to be an instructional coach (about 7 years). And I would look for other jobs outside of teaching, I just knew teaching wasn't my passion and really I wasn't that good at it. It was this fierce struggle for me. And I felt God leading me to remember it took 7 years to get to a job I knew I would like which was an instructional coach. As I thought about that, God laid on my mind that he needed me to give him 5 years. The next 5 years I need to QUIT trying to make money. QUIT trying to force this dream to come true. It feels SO counter-cultural. My energy is going to be placed into raising our babies and supporting my husband in his career. I look around me and see our "fixer-upper" house that needs so much work, our family car that has no heat and now no defrost, and all the things I want my kids to experience. My instinct is to go back to work, make a little money that would solve a few problems. But God is calling me to live counter-culturally, I wonder what he has in store for me. How will my faith grow and expand? I think I've always longed to have God be tangible to me in a deeper way. That I would be more aware of him in my day to day life. Maybe this is the gift he is giving me.
No comments:
Post a Comment